I never knew I wanted to be an actor, but it’s clear I always did. As a kid I loved nothing more than to put on puppet shows, play games of pretend and perform shows that I would improvise for my friends. This to me, just made me a show off, it couldn’t be an actual job. Could it?
It was my Mother who first brought up the idea of me joining an acting class. My sister had just started with a teacher who was floating the idea of doing a class for teenagers. I instantly jumped at the idea. I can’t tell you what made me want to do it, but something did, and that same something made me very excited about this new venture.
I lasted maybe 10 weeks in this class. I just left. No reason, no thought, I just stopped.
At the time my teacher said to my Mother that she knew I’d go back to it, and she was right.
From here, like most people I took part in a couple of school musicals. After this I was offered a part in a play for my local theatre company, and another, and another.
Within a few years I had a number of plays, musicals, and short films under my belt, but still was lacking any distinct direction(classic acting pun).
I decided to fully commit to Theatre and go and study Theatre Performance and Classical Acting in Colaiste Stiofain Naofa in Cork. When I say that this course changed my life, I really and truly
mean that. This course gave me an outlet for my creativity, a place to focus my energy and a space in which I could try things, write thing, play parts, direct scenes and figure out who the fuck I was as a performer and as a person.
I started to research Directors, Actors, Theatre Companies. I’d spend hours looking up acting styles,
techniques, practices. Everything that could be found, I wanted to read it.
The Theatre to me was fascinating. Every night was different, Every show was unique and each performance was for the people in the room and no one else. Once you took your bow it was gone, a distant memory or a hazy dream, only alive in the minds of those who were there.
I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to perform on hundreds of stages around this country to hundreds of different audiences in many different shows. I loved, more than anything else, just
giving myself over to the audience and allowing them to carry me to the end of the show like a Rock star crowd surfing.
Two years ago I stopped acting. I was burnt out, jaded and worried that I would grow to hate the thing that I loved so dearly. For the two years before I left, I started to notice something happening
to me onstage.
Before I go on, I want you to know that I am aware that this sounds bizarre, and I am not mental, just hear me out.
I sometimes felt like I wasn't myself on stage. Or like I wasn’t alone in my body, and I certainly wasn’t in the driver's seat.
I began to refer to this feeling as a person, and I began to call that person
“The Clown”.
The Clown always took over when I didn’t feel ready. He wasn’t afraid of anything, he thrived on chaos and he loved a reaction. The Clown wasn't exclusive to the stage, I sometimes used him in social encounters, meetings, and conversations I’m not confident enough to have. At first I invited him in, but sometimes he wouldn't leave. Sometimes he’d show up and take over, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Again, I know this sounds mental, but I don’t know how else to explain this. I’m not sure anyone knew the difference between one of his shows and one of mine, but I certainly did. I don’t really know how else to explain it. The Clown was a reaction obsessed madman, who would hate the idea of an audience not enjoying his work. He was angry when his shows didn't work, and he was unbearable when they did. He was an addict, and he left me drained and unable to face reality most days. He lived on adrenaline and when that adrenaline wore off, I was left feeling empty and alone. This is why I left acting. After I left, I became bitter. I blamed the Theatre, I felt like it abandoned me, which is bizarre and arrogant. It wasn’t until my Girlfriend and I went to see “Waitress”, a fantastic West End musical, starring the incredible Lucie Jones & David Hunter that I fell back in love with it. I had been avoiding going to live shows for a while, but the second I sat down in The Adelphi Theatre and started to read the programme I felt great. I felt like myself again. The show was fantastic, but the feeling it left me with transcended the show. It left me feeling hopeful, happy and creative again.
The next day I got a message from an old Colleague asking if I would be interested in Directing a play. The Theatre heard I was back, and it wanted a piece of my sweet ass. The feeling I felt that day in the theatre is something I’ve felt a thousand times. A feeling of being complete, being whole, being somewhere new that feels like home. There's a line in a song in The Muppets Movie, sung my Gonzo. He sings “ There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met”. This line describes two things to me, the feeling I had when I first got to know the woman who is now my Fiancé, and the feeling I have when I am participating in live Theatre, whether it be as a performer or as a spectator. The Theatre gave me everything. It gave me the love of my life, There is no way I would’ve been stable enough for Kate without the discipline that I had while in the Theatre. It gave me a focus, it gave me an outlet and it gave me a home. It’s where my heart lives, and I can not wait until the world opens up so I can go and sit in the audience and just fucking feel shit!
Commenti