What’s red & invisible? No tomatoes! This was my favourite joke as a child.
Now, I’m almost 35 years old and my life is evolving. I’m a Dad now, I’m married and a few months ago I started a new job. I’m ok with all of this.
I’m like a business smart homeless man, I don’t fear change!
The job I started is in Midleton Co. Cork.
Midleton is an interesting town. It seems that no one told the locals there that deep heat isn’t a deodorant.
The job I left a few months ago, was hospitality. I first worked in a bar as a young teen. It’s a life education you can’t buy. Much like a Doctor, you learn a lot about patience. Comedy.
In my last few years in the hospitality game I was the manager of a bar & restaurant, but I had to leave. Since the pandemic, people are much more , I don't know - Angry or something.
People are weird now. We don’t understand each other anymore. We were locked up for too long.
We were in our little bubbles, our sexy social bubbles. Fucking our neighbours and judging there couches. Then it got weird, and we started judging our neighbours and fucking our couches. I didn’t fuck my couch. I promise. I made love to my couch, I made sweet love to my couch, I made 3 piece sweet love to my couch. Yea! A little bit of sexy couch wordplay for the furniture enthusiasts.
The final straw for me was an encounter I had with a family I was serving. The Mother said to me “can I have a burger and chips with a coke”, and as I walked away she grabbed onto my wrist and said, “and please can I have no tomatoes”, and I said “you already do”. She said “what?”. I said, "you already do have no tomatoes”.
Cute joke, I was happy with it. She was not.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”. I said, “it’s a joke, It’s wordplay” , And she said “Never mind your wordplay, I’m not no joke”.
I was fighting a losing battle.
Then, she very earnestly said, “now please, Can I have no tomatoes” . I held out my empty hand and said ,“here you go” . She said, "what’s that?” , And I said, “it’s no tomatoes”.
She said, “What”, growing in anger. “Can I please have no Tomatoes!”
I said, “You already do!”.
She said, “I want to speak to the manager” . To which I replied,“You already are”.
She left a complaint for the owner and a 1 star review of the restaurant. I looked this woman up, and you could see her other reviews. She left a 3 star review for a bus stop in Kilkenny. I’m not sure what you could dock points off a bus stop for to be honest, but she did.
She also sent a letter of complaint directly to the premises. The best thing about all of this is that as the manager of the restaurant her complaint letter was given directly to me. It was about how she didn’t appreciate my tone and my attitude blah blah, she finished the complaint with the statement, “this was a confusing and annoying experience for me and my family and we hope we will be compensated in some way”. She left her address.
So, I responded with my own letter. "Dear Customer. I sincerely apologise for this traumatising experience. Of course we will compensate you for the stress that was caused in our restaurant. As a token of apology, please find within this package the gift of no tomatoes”.
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This is the script for the Five Minutes on Fridays Podcast, which has new episodes every Friday morning. To listen, please click here
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